I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Clearly, how I manage my anxiety strategies weren’t enough to deescalate my issues.
Last month, I got scared because I felt that I was going to die. I had constant nightmares and fear of the unknown. Again, it feels like I teleported back in a particularly challenging time of my life.
A few weeks ago, I went to A&E because I had a stabbing chest pain, constant discomfort on my nape and back plus an on and off headache with high BP.
My paranoid mind tells me that I might be experiencing unstable angina. Fortunately, the physical examination and ECG did not indicate that I was having a cardiac event and my troponin and other blood results were normal. Because of the findings, the doctor diagnosed me with an “anxiety disorder”.
Yes, I am anxious because of numerous things. Although it is embarrassing to admit, I am embracing the fact that I have an anxiety disorder.
When I created this blog in November 2019, I was looking for a way to ventilate because I wasn’t in the right mindset. My first blog entry was called changing my mindset thru writing.
I was very careful not to put any person on the spot when I started blogging… even now because I do not want to them to experience the crisis I went through. If you noticed, I keep on writing different stuff but what I really want to write about is this story. I believe that this is a huge step for me to finally heal from my past. I need to move on.
Back then, I tried to question myself if I am really a bad person… specifically a narcissist because a few people were indirectly saying that I was a “narcissist”. They were very indifferent to me. My wife witnessed how indifferent they were to me. It made me very uncomfortable and I was suffocated by the indifference.
It was like living in a toxic relationship. The events and heavy thoughts that time played over and over… even until now, which makes me feel insecure, unworthy and someone who doesn’t belong. Looking back, even when I try to fix or express my side, I will be greeted with a cold shoulder or a response similar to the words,”The world doesn’t revolve around you.”
Upon reflecting on my behaviour that time, I realised that I was only seeking validation from people who didn’t see my worth as one.
I couldn’t cope with the open but discreet bullying and the shady side comments and I couldn’t cope with the knowledge that mother and my wife were both witnessing me struggle. My psyche was quite damaged because I allowed the hurtful words and condescending actions control me.
My mistake was that I constantly think of what people think about me. I felt that every move I make especially my mishaps are magnified. I had palpitations and insomnia. It was mentally exhausting. I lost my confidence to the point where I lost my passion in so many aspects of my life.
But now, I believe that I am on my way to recover… from self doubt and fear of a lot of things.
None the less, because of that experience, I was able to improve my relationship again with Jesus Christ, my constant friend who is not indifferent, who is always excited to listen, who genuinely supports my endeavours, who strengthens me and who doesn’t say that I deserve less.
I also found my true best friend… my wife who has been there all along while I was trying to prove that I was a cool, dependable and trust worthy to someone else. That is why I named the first domain of this blog “Married to a Happy Soul” because she was the light and happiness in one of the darkest times I experienced here in England.
I also got a new job. I am now a Cardiac Catheterisation Laboratory Nurse! (Feels good to say it out loud). It is a new environment. A clean slate. A new start. It’s not the best career move because of the long work commute plus the expensive fare but it was my chance to heal from a mental crisis. I have to take it. Who knows? Maybe God lead me to this path.
Why Cath Lab? I wanted to focus on one system. I chose cardio… I assume it fits me because I am someone who puts his heart on his sleeves. I am very dramatic. This is also a weakness but one thing I learned while growing up is that I can always transform a perceived negative trait (a sentimental person in my case) into a positive force without changing who I am.
I am ready to put this entire experience in the past and move on. I also have forgiven the people who said obnoxious things to me whether it is upfront or behind my back… and at this point, I have forgiven myself.