In my last post, I was determined to post at least weekly about my weight loss progress but it took me a whole month because I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
Last month was scary because I felt that I was going to die. I had constant nightmares and fear of the unknown. It feels like I was back in late 2019…
A few weeks ago, I went to A&E because I had a stabbing chest pain, constant discomfort on my nape and back plus on and off headache with high BP.
My paranoid mind tells me that I might be experiencing unstable angina. Fortunately, the physical examination and ECG did not indicate that I was having a cardiac event and my troponin and other blood results were normal. Because of the findings, the doctor diagnosed me with an “anxiety disorder”.
When I saw the diagnosis, I thought.. well, that made it official. It is true though. At present, I am anxious with a lot of things.
I wasn’t like this before. I was the person who is always on the go with a typical carpe diem spirit. I was pretty confident and brave but I got paralysed by wrong decisions I made in the last couple of years.
I am now a very anxious person and I have to accept that.
Yup. I am taking it all in. I have an anxiety disorder! I don’t know what kind and I am ashamed to admit that my mental health is not in good shape.
How did it all come to this? I was reflecting on past events repeatedly for 2 years.
When I created this blog in November 2019, I was looking for a way to ventilate or explain my part of the story because my reputation at work was… ( i don’t know how to describe it) tarnished? laughable? pitiful? Also, my relationship with former close friends was also in hot water, which made things worse that time.
I was very careful not to put any person on the spot when I started blogging… even now because I do not want to them to experience the crisis I went through. If you noticed, I keep on writing different stuff but what I really want to write about is this story. I believe that this is a huge step for me to finally heal from my past. I need to move on.
Back then, I tried to question myself if I am really a bad person… specifically a narcissist because my former close friends were indirectly saying that I was a “narcissist”. They were very indifferent to me. My wife witnessed how indifferent they were to me. It made me very uncomfortable and I was suffocated by the indifference.
It was like living in a toxic relationship. The events and heavy thoughts that time played over and over… even until now, which made me feel insecure, unworthy and someone who doesn’t belong. Even when I try to fix or express my side, I will be greeted with a cold shoulder or a response similar to the words,”The world doesn’t revolve around you.”
Upon reflecting on my behaviour that time, I realised that I was only seeking validation from friends who didn’t see my worth as one.
The intensity of my situation heightened when I my wife and I decided to relocate to our own rented flat and I also made the decision to apply for a Band 6 position at work. I got the post but… surprise! not everyone is happy.
The promotion was not expected but the panel from the interview probably saw a potential in me. I was grateful for that. God knows how much I tried to fight and prove that I can be good to deserve it.
But… I couldn’t cope with open but discreet bullying and the side comments from people at work and I couldn’t cope with the knowledge that my wife is witnessing me struggle. I know she wanted to help me but my psyche was quite damaged with the hurtful words and condescending actions. It took me 3 months to realise that I am not fit to stay in the department but I still stayed for a year and endure the challenges that came a long with the post.
My focus that time was divided because I think about work and the expectations from the people I work with. I was constantly thinking of what people think about me. I tried to look for a friend within the department but the few people I talked to shared my side with the wrong ones. I even catch people saying wrong things about me. Everyday, I witness and experience a toxic culture of gossip and “I am better than you” attitude. I lost my confidence. I lost my passion in my profession.
However, I am thankful because I went through that and I am grateful that, at present, I amslowly recovering from that. I am recovering from self doubt and fear of a lot of things.
Because of that experience, I was able to improve my relationship again with Jesus Christ, my constant friend who is not indifferent, who is always excited to listen, who genuinely supports my endeavours, who strengthens me and who doesn’t say that I deserve less.
I also found my true best friend… my wife who has been there all along while I was trying to prove that I was a cool, dependable and trust worthy to someone else. That is why I named the first domain as Married to a Happy Soul because she was the light and happiness in one of my darkest experiences here in England.
If you noticed, I changed my domain name to my own name and also the blog into XY Thoughts because I started to cling to my wife too much. It is becoming unhealthy in our relationship in a sense. She has her own anxieties and concerns, too, and I must be somebody she can lean on.
I also got a new job. I am now a Cardiac Catheterisation Laboratory Nurse! (Feels good to say it out loud). For a long time, I don’t want to share it and I don’t want my former workmates to know where I am because I am afraid to hear about “stuff” that I don’t want to hear. But I have to disclose it somehow and I think it is the right time.
Why Cath lab? I wanted to focus on one system. I chose cardio… I assume it fits me because I am someone who puts his heart on his sleeves. hahaha!
I am ready to put this entire experience in the past and move one to a brighter one.
This will be the last post that mentions my anxiety issues. Maybe this will be my last post for now. I will be taking a break from writing to focus on my physical and mental health. This is also a good opportunity for me to hone my craft at work so I wouldn’t hear the words traitor, dramatic, undeserving, “trying hard”, phony, incompetent and narcissist.
I also have forgiven the people who said these things to me and at this point, I have forgiven myself.