I think I am still in shock right now. For days, I dreaded myself stepping on the weighing scale because I know I am gaining so much weight.
Why? I can think of so many reasons but one thing I am sure of.. my mind is still struggling to cope with previous stuff. Dealing with anxiety, panic attacks and depression back in 2019 until 2020.
It all started when I started losing my self esteem and become affected by garbage blurbs intended to hurt me. The weight gain was gradual. I was 74 kilos back in early 2019 and I knew I was stress eating. I know that I am already overweight because my ideal weight should be at least 70kilos. By the end of that year, I reached 80kilos.
Nope. I am not blaming other people again or any sorry event that happened in my life. I take full responsibility for this.
Like Mark Manson said in his book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck”, we are often a victim of what he called a Hedonic Treadmill. I always tell myself, if only I have an 8-5 job I can find time to exercise, if only I have enough space, I can do 30min exercise everyday, if only I have the right shoes etc. I make excuses… clearly. I would make an effort but later on I’d give up and end up munching on junk foods or mindlessly binging on carbohydrates, sugary coffee and other unhealthy treats while watching TV or surfing on social media.
I gathered courage tonight to weigh myself and I am shocked to learned that I am now 85 kilos – the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. 3 weeks ago, I was 81kilos. What happened?
I am pretty sure that this salter weighing scale is not broken. It has a toughened glass platform and a minimalist design. You can click the link if you are interested to have one.
On the other hand, I am scare because my Blood Pressure is now reaching 140 systolic… I am hypertensive at 34years old. I am in denial sometimes but I am taking action right now because I know that hypertension is a silent killer.
It is time for me to give a damn of this current heath problem. Big time. I need to choose the right struggle and find a way to enjoy the struggle.
As of the moment, I am having the urge to eat again but I know that I am not hungry.
I had a conversation with Leah, my friend who lost weight before her wedding last year. She said that if she noticed that she has been eating a lot, psychological there is something wrong and it is our responsibility to identify the “thing” that tempts us to eat.
I feel that the big decisions I made over the last 2 years tricked my mind into forming unhealthy habits. I watch TV a lot, sleep after eating or eat food because I feel like I want to. I have been emotionally charged because I chose to become emotional about a lot of stuff. kinda stupid to think about it in retrospect. Hence, I have become an emotional eater or maybe worse. Whatever you call, I am taking action because I am not like this.
To force me to become accountable, I will update on my progress weekly. Let the Salter Weighing Scale become our witness.